Day 9: Dirty Little Secret

Tonight I did something terrible. It's something I'm so ashamed of. It's something I've struggled with off and on since I was a teenager. It's something I've only told a couple people about. Until now. Tonight, I threw up after dinner. After eating half a pizza. I couldn't stand the thought of all those calories inside of me, undoing all the hard work I've accomplished lately. I knew in my mind that it was a terrible thing to do, but I didn't care. The part that kills me is that I was so good the rest of the day. I ate a good breakfast, a good lunch, good snacks, and drank plenty of water. Then hubby came home because I needed to go to the store to get something to complete an Etsy order. He has been putting in a lot of hours lately. In fact, he told me today, that he will have to put in a lot of hours over the next two weeks (staying until 11pm kind of hours). Well, we went to the store and he got a pizza for us to bake for dinner. I got lots of fruits and vegetables and was feeling really good. I told myself I could be good about the pizza. But I mindlessly overate. Then when I counted the calories and realized how much I had eaten, I felt terrible. Then hubby had to head back to campus to try and get 4 more hours of work done. The kids were fighting. The kids weren't listening. I couldn't handle it. I put them to bed a bit early and ate the rest of the pizza. I felt so sick and disappointed with myself. And some terrible little voice inside me told me to just get rid of the extra calories. So I did. And now I feel awful. I don't want people to think less of me. I don't want people to tell me how bad it is; trust me, I already know. I'm not even sure if I want people to acknowledge that they read my confession and know my dirty little secret. But I needed to write it down. I needed to share it. For myself. So that I could finally admit that I have a problem, and that it needs to stop. For good. It was incredibly hard for me to write this, and I can only hope that people are kind and do not judge me for my struggle.